22 July

Football training! Bea didn't attend. I ate lunch with Seska, Karlo, Missy and Kim. They surprisingly showed up and since, I was so happy to see them, I broke off from the practice (it was finished anyway, they'll just delibrate/assess our performance). After lunch, I met up with Mjen to attend the Homecoming. I wanted to burn time because my plans with the barkada (Debs, Crisi, Ayel and Jarl) did not push through.

Anyway, Jen and I found it boring so we decided to go to Eastwood. Hahaha! A bit impulsive, who cares?! So, we strolled all over Eastwood, bumped into Cindy Kurleto (who I criticized at first, for wearing something semi-formal which is not appropriate, until Jen nudged me because it was no other than Cindy) and Kier Legaspi. We ate dinner at Jack's Loft! I love their Jack's Frappe!!! We had nothing other than fun and a full stomach. Jen drowned herself with strong ice while I fill myself with stir-fried chicken. Hahaha! I'd skip all the details so I got home around 10 pm. Thanks Jen! I owe you!

23 July

Happy Birthday to me and to Jarl!

I spent my 19th birthday sleeping!!! No joke, I slept all throughout the day. Whenever I'd wake up, I'd do something for less than 5 minutes and go back to bed. Hahaha! Aside from the fact that I was feeling a little depressed, my whole body ached from the football training and my adventure with Cheska. I got up around 7pm to eat slices of Yellow Cab's New York Finest. I just asked for Yellow Cab's 14 inches New York Finest for my birthday, hehehe! They bought me a cake, 8Treasure Noodles from Jade Valley and uhm, I can't remember anymore. After eating, I went back to sleep.

Who would have thought that I would last for 19 years? Looking back, I realized that I've been generally happy. Well, the first 14 years of my life was great! No problems, no crying moments, no sadness. As with the last 3 years, it had been really chaotic. There were those I'd-like-to-live-forever moments and those I-want-nothing-more-but-to-die dramas. And I doubt if I can be as happy as I was when I was a kid, but that's life.

As they say, "Nobody said it was going to be easy, they just said, it'll be worth it!"


_____________________________________
Two roads divereged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

With just a blink of an eye, everything changed.

I opened my eyes only to know that dad was off to the land I always longed to go to. It's the land that I was happy and didn't care for the rest of the world. It's the land where I learned individualism and self-reliance. It's the land where I can see my future in. But, that's another matter. For now, it's all about my dad's departure.

Six months of endless yelling, of seemingly eternal governance of my mother. For six long months, my father would be working abroad and probably, he'll live alone at my uncle's house since my uncle and his family are all going here this August.

I hate to think that I'd be spending the first 6 months of my being 19 without my dad. And he left A WEEK BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

And a daddy's girl that I am (and as much as my Elektra complex is prevalent), I'm not sure if I could really survive here without raising my voice or having an internal hemorrage for locking every darn emotion inside.

I blinked again.

I found myself hating this house, this family, whatever you call it. I found myself wishing to live in another world with another set of people. Long before, I thought I was just exaggerating, that every pain and suffering that I have felt was just a little elaborated and everything will seem to be lighter if I look at it in another perspective. But recently, I realized that I wasn't exagerrating at all. Everything that I have experienced were actually lighter than it really is. I realized I'm tough because if I wasn't, I would have been mentally impaired or psychologically ill. I'm actually scared for my sister, Angie, because I know she's younger than her chronological age and every pressure and responsibly my parents ordered or threw at her is beyond her capability. (I'm not underestimating her.) I know she's disturbed and in the end, she can be traumatized or worse, mentally sick. And as much as I want to help her out, I can't and I won't because I want my parents to realize what they are doing - that as much as they love us, they hurt us too.

The pain buried inside me just bursts whenever I'm in church or whenever I'm staring at a mirror. It's where I see my reflection and discover how my life turned like hell. It sucks. I even think I might just be one of the happiest people around if it weren't for them since the only thing that's wrong in my life is my family.

Another blink.

Friends usually keep me happy. All of them alleviate me from the sadness I've felt at home that's why I more than agitated and cheerful whenever I'm with them. However, I feel I've been taken for granted once again. It's not that I'm demanding attention or anything but sometimes, it hurts to feel that I am are not important to them as much as they are important to me. Or maybe, I'm just more succeptible these days. Sigh.

But, there are some friends who just exist to cheer you up, to make you laugh after a stressful day and to make you remember that you're not alone. Their mere existence makes me think that perhaps, I'm really blessed. Unconsciously, they arrive whenever you're feeling bad about yourself or you're just sad. It seems they got some kind of radar and sense that you've got a frown behind your smiling face. And for all that and more, I want to thank Lyza, Joey, Mon, Mico, Zeck, Meg and the rest. Thanks! I haven't really thanked you for every cheering up you did, consciously or not, for me. Hindi niyo lang alam kung gaano akong natutuwa pag kasama/pinapanood kayo! Maraming salamat! Hehehe!

and of course, PK! Seska, Tet, Milet, Bea, Jo, Missy and Hersh, many thanks!!!

Blink.

Tomorrow, I'll be out with my kada [Debs, Ayel, Crisi, Jarl and sana si Rain] to celebrate our (me and Jarl) birthday!!! Whoopeee!

Happy Birthday Jarl!!!


_____________________________________
Two roads divereged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

I've been changing a lot lately, hihihihi! Aaand I think, I'm happier now. Whoohoo, congratulations to me!

So, what's new?
Uhm, I haven't been much online recently because we don't have a computer at home. Well, I could use Kuya Nok's but he's using it all the time and I can't argue with him over it, simply because its his. Hahaha!

So, right now, I'm in the library and it's saturday. Yep, you read it right! I'm in school today and it's the day after friday. Hahaha! I got football training every saturday morning, from 8 until 12 nn!!! I'm trying-out for the College of Science Football Team. Hahaha, it isn't a big deal but what the heck?! I love maximizing my talents. (What the!?) Anyway, it rained a lot today. We still played even though it was raining pretty hard. We just stopped when the guard asked us to leave the field because the priests (the ones who are running our school) didn't want us to ruin the grass!!! I need to repeat it; They kept us from playing because they didn't want us to ruin the grass! @#*^$$%^#%@&! After our football try-outs, Bea and I took a shower and met up with my beautiful friends. Hehehe! We ate at McDo. Then, Theresa and I went to the Yoga Club's GA! Hahaha! I told you, I'm maximizing everything, my time, my talents, my bones, my muscles; every single thing! Even my parent's patience! Hahaha!

I joined several organizations this year and I continue to promise that I'd be an active member this time. Here are my new orgs:
UNICEF - in line with my new motto:
You have not lived until you have done something to those who could never repay you!
Yoga Club - this is for myself
Lingkod E.R. - it's practically medical missions

My birthday is coming up.. I still don't know what to do! Maybe I'll just save the money and open up a bank account?! sounds like a good idea! Any other suggestions?!

_____________________________________
Two roads divereged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Charles Bukowski once wrote, "There will always be something to ruin our lives."

My life, for the past few days, had been fine. No heartaches. No cries. No clutching of rosary beneath my pillow. No sadness.

But, of course, that can't continue for long.

Last night, I got a text from Jarl which really freaked me out. It was basically about her death. Before, as a very close friend know, I had suicidal tendencies, fortunately I surpassed with flying colors, so to think, I shouldn't be new to this. However, it was really the other way around. My heart was beating uncontrollably fast and it seemed impossible to breath freely. I was crazily texting Jarl, calling her cellphone everytime I am not texting and dialing their landline. She never answered. And I freaked out more. I texted Karl, called Debs and Ayel. She wasn't in contact with any of them. I was crushed, can't think clearly as I was also reading my hand-outs for Abnormal Psychology. I can't bear to think about everything all at the same time. Then, here comes another blow. The mom of one of my barkada (can't name yet) is terminally ill. Fcuk shit!

It's insane. I can't think of another possible loss this year, not even months after Randall's going-to-heaven. I can't. Not another loss. It's too much.

Last night, I was talking to Dall. It was pretty weird because I never really talked to him in person that long and yet, I was hanging on to him last night. I told him, he's everyone's angel now and shit, he should, please please, take very good care of everybody. Hay, the pain of death and absence and longing. Lord, please, not anymore, not in the near future!

_____________________________________
Two roads divereged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost