I have been longing to be back - to put myself back on track because I went off track.

Last monday, I was given the opportunity to be back and continue my journey. I went to confession.

Trivia about me: I cry whenever I confess.

While confessing, I was crying. It was impossible to contain my tears for more than 3 seconds. They keep running down my cheeks just like a waterfalls. I kept wiping my face to prevent flood but no avail, they never seemed to stop. I calmed myself after confession - kept trying not to cry, looked upwards to prevent the tears from rolling, kept laughing to ease the pain and guilt.

Attending a mass reminds me of so many good things that, unfortunately, already happened in the past and cannot be relived in the present. I can't help but be sorry for myself and to God because I have offended Him several times.

The main issue remains to be unsolved though. Hay.

However, amidst the sadness and faults, I am welcomed to a new beginning. God have given me the chance to start all over again. And for that, I am very very grateful.

I'm actually back to my happy and contented self :)

I'm just a little more introspective and appreciative this time.


_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Yesterday was a major SAD day for me.

I couldn't study for our test and for the whole night, all I did was to cut papers for our name tags. Something very easy and robotic.

I rode this jeepney which have bible passages written on its ceiling. One read, "Lord is the light. In him, there are no darkness."

Very applicable. But it didn't alter my feelings.

The day was gloomy. I can't help but feel sleepy.

Then, Benj treated us at Pizza Hut. Free lunch. Hehehe. Happy Birthday Benj!

Hershey and I rushed to CYA! We played games c/o Benjo, the Game Master. After several songs, worship, and prayers, the brothers surprised us. Hehehe. They sang "Your Love". Then, they gave us roses! Awww, sweet ng mga brothers! Hehehe!

In return, the sister read a letter addressed to them. And some gave personal messages to them - that includes me! :) I want to say more:

Nais kong magpasalamat sa aking mga kuya dahil sa maraming bagay. Una, dahil sa pagpapa-ngiti sa amin. Ang inyong mga patawa at pang-aasar ay lubos kong ikinatutuwa. Hehehe. Ang pagkakaroon ko ng mga bagong kapatid ay sadyang nagdulot sa akin ng matinding kagalakan. Masaya akong napupunuan ninyo ang mga kakulangan sa aking buhay dahil sa pagkawala ng magandang relasyon ko sa aking kapatid. Lubusan po akong masaya sa bawat hirit niyo sa akin, sa mga laro natin ng Mafia, sa pang-aapi sa akin, at higit sa lahat, ang pagiging gentlemen niyo. :) Salamat din po dahil dahil sa inyo, hindi ko po kinasuklaman ang mga lalaki. Pinatunayan niyo po sa akin na may mga lalaki pang totoo at likas na mabait/magalang. Hehehe. Maraming salamat po talaga mga kuya!!! Mahal ko kayong lahat!

Being with these people helped me return to reality. It picked me up from the darkness that have been pulling me to nothingness. Maraming salamat po!


_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

I tried. I tried because I thought he was deserving. I tried because I thought he wouldn't let me down. I thought wrong.

What sucks is that I believed. I chose to believe in lies and deceptions. I chose to believe in lies so that I could hope. But that hope turns out to be a false hope, which in turn hurt me more.

It hurts to know you've been fooled by a lie.

But it hurts more to continue believing in lies just because it's the only thing that gives you hope.


_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

I did something I never thought I'd do.

Ack!


_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Imagine this:
For one whole week, all you ever did was to prepare for this event. You tell people to do this, do that. Everyday, you walk at least 4 times, 50 meters to buy some stuff. You burned your wits trying to come up with something that doesn't even interest you. And you juggle this with other activities that you have - sports or another organization.

For one whole week, you have indulged yourself to the luxury of having no phone calls, sometimes no lunch or dinner, or cramming for school papers.

For one whole week, all we ever hoped for was to WIN.

For one whole week, our mentor kept saying that we don't have to win, we should just have fun. And, we did.

For one whole week, it seems like a break from academics. A time of bonding for our block. A time to break free and do the things we're also good at. A time to laugh, smile, and pose for the camera. For others, a time to forget everything and just dance.

For one whole week of preparing, of sacrificing, of going beyond our limits, of glitters and feathers, of dancing, of bossing people, of irritation, lies another set of frustration, disappointment, and FAILURE.

At the end of the week, after letting the failure sink in, I was on the verge of crying. Hahaha! It may seem a little petty but I was really teary-eyed when I pleaded to God to help me. I didn't want to cry because of failure. Then, He sent a friend. He said, "Fairygod mother, bakit ka nalulungkot?" And then I smiled, still teary-eyed though. It never removed my disappointment, but it made me feel saved and secured.

Anyway, we did our best. But, maybe our best is not enough.


_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

My Subjective Beliefs on Love

Love is not fleeting feeling. You cannot love a person this instance and not love him/her the next. It does not go away. It is forever. It wanes which may be due to some conflicts or arguments, but it’s never completely gone. You might not be together for the longest time, but you are still loving this person. It doesn’t flee at the sight of infidelity or even hatred. It stays despite the hate, the doubts, and the sarcasm. If the feeling doesn’t stay, it is not love at all.

Love is a happy powerful feeling. This happiness, however, is from within. Not from the other person you love. When you love, you touch others. You influence them to share their own love. You make them feel more loved. You are happy with yourself because you were able to add meaning to another person’s life and the other person was able to add meaning to yours. You are happy with yourself because you are growing beautifully as a person.

Love makes the people, who feel’s it, grow. Every experience, whether good or bad, makes us grow. Love allows us to feel this rush and gush of happy powerful emotions that it would be necessary to displace them to our surroundings. You are like seeds being loved and taken cared of to grow, and to bear fruit and/or beautify the world.

Love is sacrificial. When you love, it is inevitable to sacrifice – your time, your life. Though love is a happy powerful feeling, it sometimes turns sour, and then the people separate. You can sacrifice your happiness and feelings, but still continue loving the other person. The separation or distance is never the hindrance of love. In here, the main sacrifice is loving despite the absence of the person you are loving. When you sacrifice, it should be whole-heartedly, you should be happy sacrificing for this person. Yes, it may be a bit difficult, but you should be happy bearing this difficulty.



_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost