"Putangina!"

I've heard this curse so many times, from so many people, with different meanings. But there's one "putangina" that I can't seem to shake off my system.

I've been so used to hearing "putangina" from my dad, my brother, and my sisters. It's a wonder why I was even moved by the one coming from my friend, let alone, my bestfriend. Perhaps, it's because I can feel she meant it. She meant every syllable that came out her mouth even if it was delivered in a setting that could make it seem like a joke or expression.

Anyway, maybe I can tell it's for real because of the manner it was said. With so much emotions, exploding like it has been piling since God knows when. Or perhaps, maybe because I just know her. I know when she means what she's saying or showing.

Often times, I never spoke out my thoughts about her behavior, her perspectives, and her rationalities. I never argued. I never even disapproved or complained. All I did was took it in. Thus, this "putangina" for me is incomprehensible. I don't know what I did wrong. I've went over and over the scenes for that night and I can't tell which offended her so much to the point of cursing me, of accusing me of being insensitive.

Insensitivity.

I've been accused of having this trait by two people, both of which are/were my closest friends, and both reasons of being accused that way is unknown to me.

Well, the first one was understandable. I guess I was really insensitive that time because I never thought it was possible.

The second one, was in sync with that "putangina" above. And this time, like that "puntangina", I don't know how they came about. Consequently, she said, I or we made her feel left out.

Out of Place.

I've been living with that term for the last 7 years. Case 1, I've been in this circle of friends from 1st year HS. Most of them managed to stay in the cream (honors) section for the rest of our highschool days, I didn't. Case 2, most of them are highly active in school activities/clubs; hence, the MSC Chairman, MSC Treasurer, Dance Club President (or half-president, whatever), so not me. Case 3, most of them had their first boyfriend in highschool. Case 4, most of them brought these boyfriends to our prom or graduation ball, I wasn't with anyone else. Case 5, most of the time, they would also bring their current boyfriends to our gimiks/dates, 5th wheel?!

When did I ever complain? Tell me. When did I complain about being left out?

Let's have another set of cases, this time in the collegiate setting.

Case 6, one time, I went out with another group of friends other than my circle. I stayed until I can no longer stay. Case 7, I was with 2 couples in a car going to Greenbelt., we even ate dinner together. How awkward is that? Case 8, I went with another circle to dine somewhere far, we were all in a car and I was the only one who doesn't really belong.

There can be more cases than this. However, as Ezeck have said, "nasa sa tao yun, kung hahayaan niya ma-OP siya."

Since then, I never complained. I knew that that feeling of not being included is practically internal. Whatever I feel, it's because I made myself continue to feel that way.

So don't even think of calling me "insensitive", followed by a curse for that matter. Because I don't think it's my fault that you feel that way. And try thinking about all those times I was with you and your boyfriends before accusing me of making you feel left out.

I didn't really care whenever I feel left out, since seeing you happier makes that feeling all worth it.

Sigh. This is harder than I thought.

And no, don't tell me that that was just an irrational outburts because I do believe that every irrational outburst comes from our unconsciousness, feelings we're not aware of but are buried within ourselves. Am I overreacting to that "putangina"? I don't know. I do hope I am.



_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

I missed Master!!!

Good thing that he can't sleep and he went online!

Hahaha!!!



_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Sadyang mahirap makalimot. Lalo na kapag ang kinakalimutan mo ay isang tao naging parte ng buhay mo; taong nagpasaya sa iyo; marahil, ang kaisa-isang taong nakakaintindi sa iyo; ang taong mahal ka bilang ikaw; ang taong tinatawag mong "soulmate" mo; ang taong pinagkakatiwalaan mo.

Paano mo nga naman siya makakalimutan eh mukhang magkadugtong ang mga utak at katauhan niyo?

Dapat kasi nakikinig ka sa mga taong nagsasabing, "bawal magka-gusto sa isang kaibigan!" Bakit? Kasi totoo yun. Dapat ka pa ngang magpasalamat sa kanila sapagkat ngayon pa lang ay pinoprotektahan ka na nila sa nagbabadyang pangamba.
Bakit nga ba bawal?

Kapag nagka-gusto ka sa isang kaibigan, isa lang ang madarama mo - sakit. Sakit ng pagkawala ng kaibigan. Sakit ng pagtatangkang maghangad ng higit pa sa ibinibigay. Sakit sa puso at sa utak. Sakit sa pagpapayanig ng inyong pagkakaibigan. Sakit ng pangambang mawala lahat ng pinagsamahan. At sakit na masabihang may mahal siyang iba, na kapatid lang ang tingin sa iyo. Basta puro sakit.

Para sa mga hangal na katulad ko, masakit talga. Mahirap ngang makalimot. Subalit, marahil, hindi mo naman talaga kailangang kalimutan. Siguro, kailangan mo lang tanggapin at patuloy na maging mabuting kaibigan.

Pero sinong niloloko ko? Kung masakit, mas mahirap tanggapin. Kaya itulog na lang. Kung bumalik, itulog ulit. Kapag sa tulog ka naman ginulo, ikain na mo lang. Pag walang umubra, kita na lang tayo sa tuktok ng Citibank, samahan kitang tumalon. Or, panoorin mo na lang kaya ako.

Joke lang. Oo, half meant yun. Yung taong nagturo sa akin na maganda mabuhay, siya yung taong sinusubukan kong kalimutan. Peste. Ang hirap talaga. Kaya half meant, baka kasi bumalik siya at ipakita muli sa akin ang gandang nawala nung iniwanan niya ako.


Hahaha. Akala mo seryoso. Joke lang 'to. Lahat joke. Wala nang seryosong bagay sa mundo.

Example: Pulitika. Krimen. Medisina. Pag-aaral. Relasyon. Relihiyon. Pag-ibig. Tiwala.

Wala nang nagbibigay halaga sa mga bagay na hindi dapat isinasaalang-alang.



Siya: Kung papipiliin ako, kung si ***** o ikaw? Siyempre ikaw na!

Ako (sa sarili ko): Eh bakit hindi mo ako pinili?
Siya (sa imahinasyon ko): Kasi, katulad nga ng sinabi mo, umiiwas akong masaktan.
Ako: Eh paano kung sabihin ko sa iyong hindi ka masasaktan?
Siya: Hindi naman ako yung iniingatan ko eh, ikaw. Ayaw kitang masaktan o mahirapan.
Ako: Eh paano kung hindi naman ako masasaktan?
Siya: Ikaw na rin ang nagsabi, kahit ano pang mangyari, masasaktan ka pa rin. Kaya wag na lang.


Ano yun? Pampalubag loob?

Hahahaha. Joke lang yun.


_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Have you ever felt the feeling of uncontrollable happiness? Of uncontainable joy? Like you want to smile your heart out but can't because you're going to look so silly and weird? Like you want to shout but can't because they might call the Mental Hospital? Like you can't help to grin and bite your lips to prevent them from being so wacky? Like your heart is exploding, in a good way? Like all you can do is take a deep breath and smile to yourself? Or all you want to do is text and call up people to share your happiness? Like you keep on blinking your eyes to see if it's real and not just another dream? Like you keep on rolling your eyeballs trying to contain the explosive gladness within you?

If you have felt it, GOOD FOR YOU!

If you haven't, YOU'RE PRAYERS AREN'T ENOUGH.


It's really really crazy!!! It feels like you've never experience the feeling of loneliness. Or on the contrary, what made you so happy is the feeling of finally moving to the light, leaving the darkness behind.

I guess, I'm experiencing the later part. GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.



Everything started with a CALL!

LAST NIGHT:
I called. I texted. He called. I'm asleep. He replied. I'm still asleep. And he called again. And I'm still asleep.


MORNING AFTER:
I checked my phone. Wiped my eyes. Blinked a couple of times. Checked again. And smiled for the rest of the day.

TODAY:
I called my cousin. Smile. A friend texted. Laughed. Will he call or text? Wondered.

TOMORROW:
Who's going to brighten my day? I can't wait!

Life has its own way of surprising us.

Some are nice surprises but there are also some which are nasty and would probably take you aback. In any way, surprises happen to teach us. surprises, no matter how grave, has a silver lining.

Funny, how I call my problem a SURPRISE.

Problems are often negative. When you hear it, you just don't want to hear it. However, problem as a surprise is seen positively. It's actually something to be happy about like a challenge. Something to surpass with a smile. When it's conquered, there's this overwhelming feeling of fulfillment, of having grown, of having learned something out of nothing.

So when you encounter a problem, treat it as a surprise - something which takes you aback, but when surpassed, leaves you a healthier heart, and a more experienced being.

happy shalala.. it's so nice to be happy.. shalala.. everybody should be happy!

evolevolevolevolevolevolevolevolevolevolevol :5

i'm walking on sunshine, oh oh...

Nag-text si Sheena. Ni-replyan ko. Nag-text si Bam. Tinatamad akong mag-reply. Tinext ko si Gie. Nag-text si Nina. Wrong send.

"haha. AKO :-)" - from an "ex" on my comment, "wala nang nagmamahal sa akin!"

Baliw Baliw Baliw


_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

08 may 07

hating me

i hate myself for believing that you're always right, that you're never wrong.
i hate myself for accepting your imperfections.
i hate myself for liking you like you're the last person in my world.
i hate myself for dismissing your rudeness and egocentricity.
i hate myself for trusting you so much.
i hate myself for hanging on to you like you're some rope that's saving me from a cliff.
i hate myself for hoping for more.
i hate myself for being too weak not resist the urge to help you.
i hate myself for being too strong that even though i'm hurting, i continue to like you.
i hate myself for waiting too long.
i hate myself for not trusting my guts that i am nothing to you.
i hate myself for being happy with you.
i hate myself for being lonely without you.
i hate myself for depending on one person who doesn't even see me.
i hate myself for choosing you over someone who's probably better.
i hate myself for crying over you.
i hate myself for taking me this long to forget.
i hate myself for getting pictures of you and her.
i hate myself for saving your pleas and cries for her love.
i hate myself for hating myself JUST because of you.

depressed desserped depressed desserped depressed desserped depressed desserped

some things are just not meant to be :(


_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

I can't be this sad for the rest of my life. I have to snap out of it. Sabi nga ng horoscope ko, "He's just a jerk. Not worth it."

Hahahaha. Whatever.

Football na lang :P





_____________________________________
Two roads divereged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Parang naalala ko yung sinabi sa akin ng isang tao:

ARG. ANG MANHID-MANHID MO!


It's not like I'm the only one who's dense!!! Most of the guys I know are so dense that they just don't seem to get it. They refuse to understand whatever you're trying to impart, just because they don't like it - it's not the answers that they want.

Anyway, my suffocating heart has lost its oxygen. Gawd. It's not pumping normally. By the way, last night, I was working when I received this text from S. I just stopped working, went down the building, shivering, frantic, at lost. I kept texting people - to which nobody replied aside from Hersh and Ses and Cheska. So I called up Jarl. Still shivering and shattered, I was walking along Paseo de Roxas on the brink of tears. Gawd. It's was hell. I don't know where to go, I was just walking, and texting, and hanging on for dear breath.

But, as always, I calmed myself, became my objective self, and replied like nothing happened. Like I wasn't affected.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

To cut everything short, I met up with Cheska sa Glorietta. We roamed around. I didn't want to cry naman. Haha. Thanks Jen!I asked Kuya Nok to pick us up - then, I told him everything.

Fortunately, I have other friends who just cheer me up kahit wala akong problema. Haha! What more right now, eh I'm down. Thanks H! Hahaha! I dreamt of him last night, may something daw siya sa akin. Hahaha. Funny. My brother remembers him from the church, so he's really good. Hehehe! Maybe I should write more about H?!


Ta ta. I will meet Mr.Chen at G4 later.


God, I love my friends!!!



_____________________________________
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost