I opened my eyes only to know that dad was off to the land I always longed to go to. It's the land that I was happy and didn't care for the rest of the world. It's the land where I learned individualism and self-reliance. It's the land where I can see my future in. But, that's another matter. For now, it's all about my dad's departure.
Six months of endless yelling, of seemingly eternal governance of my mother. For six long months, my father would be working abroad and probably, he'll live alone at my uncle's house since my uncle and his family are all going here this August.
I hate to think that I'd be spending the first 6 months of my being 19 without my dad. And he left A WEEK BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY!!!!
And a daddy's girl that I am (and as much as my Elektra complex is prevalent), I'm not sure if I could really survive here without raising my voice or having an internal hemorrage for locking every darn emotion inside.
I blinked again.
I found myself hating this house, this family, whatever you call it. I found myself wishing to live in another world with another set of people. Long before, I thought I was just exaggerating, that every pain and suffering that I have felt was just a little elaborated and everything will seem to be lighter if I look at it in another perspective. But recently, I realized that I wasn't exagerrating at all. Everything that I have experienced were actually lighter than it really is. I realized I'm tough because if I wasn't, I would have been mentally impaired or psychologically ill. I'm actually scared for my sister, Angie, because I know she's younger than her chronological age and every pressure and responsibly my parents ordered or threw at her is beyond her capability. (I'm not underestimating her.) I know she's disturbed and in the end, she can be traumatized or worse, mentally sick. And as much as I want to help her out, I can't and I won't because I want my parents to realize what they are doing - that as much as they love us, they hurt us too.
The pain buried inside me just bursts whenever I'm in church or whenever I'm staring at a mirror. It's where I see my reflection and discover how my life turned like hell. It sucks. I even think I might just be one of the happiest people around if it weren't for them since the only thing that's wrong in my life is my family.
Another blink.
Friends usually keep me happy. All of them alleviate me from the sadness I've felt at home that's why I more than agitated and cheerful whenever I'm with them. However, I feel I've been taken for granted once again. It's not that I'm demanding attention or anything but sometimes, it hurts to feel that I am are not important to them as much as they are important to me. Or maybe, I'm just more succeptible these days. Sigh.
But, there are some friends who just exist to cheer you up, to make you laugh after a stressful day and to make you remember that you're not alone. Their mere existence makes me think that perhaps, I'm really blessed. Unconsciously, they arrive whenever you're feeling bad about yourself or you're just sad. It seems they got some kind of radar and sense that you've got a frown behind your smiling face. And for all that and more, I want to thank Lyza, Joey, Mon, Mico, Zeck, Meg and the rest. Thanks! I haven't really thanked you for every cheering up you did, consciously or not, for me. Hindi niyo lang alam kung gaano akong natutuwa pag kasama/pinapanood kayo! Maraming salamat! Hehehe!
and of course, PK! Seska, Tet, Milet, Bea, Jo, Missy and Hersh, many thanks!!!
Blink.
Tomorrow, I'll be out with my kada [Debs, Ayel, Crisi, Jarl and sana si Rain] to celebrate our (me and Jarl) birthday!!! Whoopeee!
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Two roads divereged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
