I've heard this curse so many times, from so many people, with different meanings. But there's one "putangina" that I can't seem to shake off my system.
I've been so used to hearing "putangina" from my dad, my brother, and my sisters. It's a wonder why I was even moved by the one coming from my friend, let alone, my bestfriend. Perhaps, it's because I can feel she meant it. She meant every syllable that came out her mouth even if it was delivered in a setting that could make it seem like a joke or expression.
Anyway, maybe I can tell it's for real because of the manner it was said. With so much emotions, exploding like it has been piling since God knows when. Or perhaps, maybe because I just know her. I know when she means what she's saying or showing.
Often times, I never spoke out my thoughts about her behavior, her perspectives, and her rationalities. I never argued. I never even disapproved or complained. All I did was took it in. Thus, this "putangina" for me is incomprehensible. I don't know what I did wrong. I've went over and over the scenes for that night and I can't tell which offended her so much to the point of cursing me, of accusing me of being insensitive.
Insensitivity.
I've been accused of having this trait by two people, both of which are/were my closest friends, and both reasons of being accused that way is unknown to me.
Well, the first one was understandable. I guess I was really insensitive that time because I never thought it was possible.
The second one, was in sync with that "putangina" above. And this time, like that "puntangina", I don't know how they came about. Consequently, she said, I or we made her feel left out.
Out of Place.
I've been living with that term for the last 7 years. Case 1, I've been in this circle of friends from 1st year HS. Most of them managed to stay in the cream (honors) section for the rest of our highschool days, I didn't. Case 2, most of them are highly active in school activities/clubs; hence, the MSC Chairman, MSC Treasurer, Dance Club President (or half-president, whatever), so not me. Case 3, most of them had their first boyfriend in highschool. Case 4, most of them brought these boyfriends to our prom or graduation ball, I wasn't with anyone else. Case 5, most of the time, they would also bring their current boyfriends to our gimiks/dates, 5th wheel?!
When did I ever complain? Tell me. When did I complain about being left out?
Let's have another set of cases, this time in the collegiate setting.
Case 6, one time, I went out with another group of friends other than my circle. I stayed until I can no longer stay. Case 7, I was with 2 couples in a car going to Greenbelt., we even ate dinner together. How awkward is that? Case 8, I went with another circle to dine somewhere far, we were all in a car and I was the only one who doesn't really belong.
There can be more cases than this. However, as Ezeck have said, "nasa sa tao yun, kung hahayaan niya ma-OP siya."
Since then, I never complained. I knew that that feeling of not being included is practically internal. Whatever I feel, it's because I made myself continue to feel that way.
So don't even think of calling me "insensitive", followed by a curse for that matter. Because I don't think it's my fault that you feel that way. And try thinking about all those times I was with you and your boyfriends before accusing me of making you feel left out.
I didn't really care whenever I feel left out, since seeing you happier makes that feeling all worth it.
Sigh. This is harder than I thought.
And no, don't tell me that that was just an irrational outburts because I do believe that every irrational outburst comes from our unconsciousness, feelings we're not aware of but are buried within ourselves. Am I overreacting to that "putangina"? I don't know. I do hope I am.
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
