The hardest thing right now is that the choices I have are amoral. There wouldn't be a right or wrong answer. It's just the battle of the heart and of the mind. The battle that I can't seem to decipher who'll emerge as victorious.
Ack. I seize this battle.
Heart's Territory
The question still echos, "do I love him?" I just don't know. My heart skips a beat when he's around. He makes me smile for days and even, cry for months. He can make me happy and sad at the same time. It took time, a very long time for the both of us to bloom and develop. Do I love him? Tell me.
Mind's Territory
As I have said, I am a very logical person so this territory would probably be bomabarded with crazy thoughts and cynicism. Starting of with the question, "Does he deserve me and do I deserve him?" You can never take this out of me because I am simply scared. Scared of every little thing that could possibly shake my mental poise - rejection, being fooled, being toyed around, being taken for granted, being left alone shivering in the dark, losing myself, forgetting things, taking others for granted, losing the friendship, being unfair, not being worthy, abandonment, tears, fights, misunderstandings, and all the other craps. It's just hard not to be scared of those little things that could break me apart. And these are the reasons why I've been avoiding this battle.
And besides, I am really perfectly fine on my own. I am happy. I am complete. I have my Father, my God, and my Fortress. There's really nothing missing.
Another though emerges, what if all of these should be taken into a different context? Perhaps, this wouldn't be for me but more for the growth of the other person. What if my Father wants this person to feel as happy as I am? What if He wants me to lead him to Him? What if I'm just making all of these up?
Should I be selfish of saving myself from heartaches and leave him astray or alone? Or should I risk it and just see what happens?
Risks! I hate them.
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
